Movie Review: The Caretaker

When I got this movie, I was actually pretty excited. I mean from what I had heard about it and read on the back of the DVD case, it seemed like it was going to be a pretty cool movie. I mean come on it has Judd Nelson in it, and I will admit I am a fan of Judd.

Unfortunately, my excitement was short lived the first five minutes into the movie. When it became extremely clear to me that this was going to be another walk down the street that is a crappy teen horror flick.


Plot: Simplified
Basically, three guys pick up their dates in a limo to take them to the Halloween Dance. Yet instead of going to the dance they take them to an abandoned Grapefruit Orchard and tell them the story of The Caretaker as a Halloween prank to scare them so they can get laid.

The Crap:
The acting from the main group of young actors, playing teenagers, was extremely horrible. Each character was basically a diluted, overly done, stereotypical piece of drek.

The killings; the parts that should have been goretastic, where pathetic and watered down. Cutting away at the best moments. I mean what kind of slasher flick does not show you a chick who is baring her breasts get gutted like a fish. I mean really.

Finally the thing that really made me feel sick was the freaking plot. Now the story about The Caretaker was pretty generic, but good. Yet the little twist was a pathetic attempt at irony. The big old secret of the movie is that Judd Nelson's character who we see at the beginning of the movie dropping his daughter off at a school dance; is none other the damn Caretaker. A fact that I actually figured out about halfway through the damn movie. Whoever thought that this was a good ending to this movie, should be flogged with a leather belt.

Saving Points:
Yes, there were two saving points of this movie. The first of course was the fact that Jennifer Tilly played the hyper-sexed teacher from the High School. I mean the only reason I continued to watch this movie is due to the fact that Jennifer Tilly has a massive "rack". She made me wish I had teachers that were that hot when I was in High School.

The other saving point was the only stomach turning kill in the whole movie. Before I continue I should explain that the Caretaker; who we find out is named Adam; used a grapefruit picker that has been modified with large blades added to it. Now back to the only good kill in the movie. Basically one of the "pretty boys" gets cornered in the room and the Caretaker takes his modified grapefruit picker and hits the due right in the balls or to be even more ironic, right in the "grapefruits".

So all in all, my rating of this movie is a simple 1 out of 5 grapefruits. It shouldn't get anything but Jennifer Tilly's "rack" keeps it from being a total piece of shit.